Friday, 25 February 2011

To whoever stole my bike this evening

I hope you need it more than me.

Which is highly unlikely, actually, since you are a thieving little scrotum who will probably either a) ride it about for a bit performing shitty little wheelies to impress your pram-pushing girlfriends and their velour-wearing friends before dumping it to rust in a hedge where it's no good to anyone or b) sell it on for barely any money as it was only worth £300 new a year ago.

I, however, needed that bike to get to work and back, a concept that is probably as alien to your workshy little brain as nuclear physics or clothing without writing on it. I've just spent a fortune on car insurance, the equivalent of the national debt of Bolivia on healing my sick cat, and am supposed to be saving for a wedding so another £300 on a new bike to get to work in order to earn money to pay for it is really not what I need right now. So thanks for that. I also don't give a monkey's toss if any of the above sounds terribly middle class, I'd rather be middle class than a scum-sucking invertebrate like you.

Yours, hoping you get run over by a bus, but not while riding my bike because it doesn't deserve that,


PS The first gear ratio doesn't work. I hope you find that out at the bottom of a really big fucking hill.


  1. Flat tyres and a homing instinct are my wishes, along with the hill being Casewick Road, so that it ends up just outside your front door needing no more than a swift pumping.


  2. Sorry, Elsie is me....Caroline! Doh!

  3. how do u know he isnt middle class you twat

    1. Go crawl back to the jobcentre.. that is if you even know where it is.. fucking moron

  4. To Anonymous:
    You can not seriously be trying to defend a thief can you? Seriously? Oh dear...

  5. They might well have been middle class, you are correct. I never actually said they weren't. My comments are based purely on crime figure statistics and witness statements from recent similar crimes in the area and the coffee shop owner opposite the scene who got mugged the same day.

    I apologise. I'm sure it's just as likely to have been Raffles the Gentleman Thief.

  6. I do hope it was some sort of horseless highwayman in a cape. And mask. Brandishing a blunderbuss or something like that. The cape though is key. Because that could well get caught in the spokes (Thank you The Incredibles for highlighting that costume flaw