Thursday, 16 May 2013

The further adventures of Flat Stanley and his tragic almost-demise.

Those who have been following this blog for a while, or who have maybe just been putting very odd search terms into Google, may be familiar with Flat Stanley, the result of my first (and so far only), foray into the art of taxidermy. Stanley was an ex-guinea pig, who had been humanely sourced and who I raised from the choir invisible under the expert tuition of Amanda from

Flat Stanley, as his name suggests, did not turn out to be the most handsome of specimens, but a little Phantom of the Opera costume both hid his disfigurements and gave him a jaunty air. (Original blog post here....)

Since then, Flat Stanley has been happily housed in a glass case (um, ok, it's actually a giant sweetie jar. But we took the labels off and washed out all traces of sherbert lemons), on the mantelpiece. His fame has been such he and his jar have even been on stage:

He was such a diva.
Then, last night, something TERRIBLE happened.

We came home to a scene of devastation. Flat Stanley's sweetie jar, with Flat Stanley helpless within it, had fallen off the mantelpiece. Glass was everywhere. As for Stanley...well. Let's just say it wasn't pretty. Doug the cat (for we know it must have been him, his sister is far too thick to work out how to extricate a stuffed rodent from a jar), had no intentions of letting Stanley rest in peace. This conversation occured:

LL: What is that? Is that, like, a dead bird or somethingOHMYGODITSFLATSTANLEY!!!
SO: Don't look. Oh God. Don't look.
LL: He...he....he has no hands!
SO: Nope. Or feet.
LL: And his FACE! Doug has eaten HIS FACE!!! What is WRONG with that cat? He's a psychopath!
SO: At least Doug didn't hurt himself on the glass or anything while he was carrying out his abominations.
LL: Yeah. I wouldn't have wanted to explain that to the vet.

SO thought that the cats had knocked the jar off the mantelpiece. I maintained that Stanley had been up there since last September and they'd never knocked it down before. BUT I don't think it is any coincidence that this happened very shortly after the arrival of Super Rat (who I think might have evil kinetic powers. SO says I have been watching too many films). Our mantelpiece became a lineup of suspects:

The skull is plaster of paris. I promise.

Whether he fell or was pushed, Flat Stanley had gone from being a slightly odd but kind of adorable ornament to a TERRIFYING FACELESS ZOMBIE RODENT that I couldn't have in the house any longer. I wanted to throw it out, but SO was all "no, I can save him and make him less like the stuff of nightmares". I was off out for the evening, so I gave SO an ultimatum - by the time I got back, the Thing that used to be Flat Stanley either had to be buried at a crossroads or somehow made into something that I could bear having under my roof and that wouldn't rise in the night and kill us all.

While I was out, this text conversation occured:

SO: Flat Stanley looks like a burns victim. in his bandages.
LL: Are you trying to make him into a mummy?
SO: i might have to age his wrappings with tea bags.
LL: I'm not sure if you are a genius. I think you might be. i also think Flat Stanley might be haunted.

So. Long story short. When I got back, this had happened...


 If you read this, Significant Otter, thank you. Thank you for fixing my faceless, limbless, possibly haunted dead guinea pig. It's these little things that make a marriage.


Epilogue: I almost wasn't going to share this last bit, for the sake of everyone. But a problem shared is a problem spread around, so I don't see why I should be the only one holding this hideous information in my head. Shortly after this picture was taken, this occurred:

LL: Where did you get all the cotton wool to reconstruct his feets? We don't have any cotton wool.
SO: Um. I owe you two tampons.


You're all welcome.


  1. this post and the post about the making of flat stanley are officially the funniest blog posts I have ever read. You are a very worrying person! Will you be extending your taxidermy practices to other animals???

    1. Don't worry, I'm not stealing hamsters and stuffing them or anything. I'd kind of like to do a rabbit next time Amanda's Autopsies does a rabbit course, but I draw the line after that! I'm glad you find the blogs funny - it's just a tiny glimpse of the weird world that Significant Otter and I find ourselves living in.

  2. i can't stop hooting and honking and spraying lol-tears all over the place

    1. It's funny (and also a bit sad) cos it's true...

  3. Howls with laughter... This is very nearly the funniest blog post I ever read. The original Flat Stanley (which I just read for the first time) was funny, but this was even better.
    I love what you SO managed to do, to salvage what looked like an un-salvageable situation.... You are obviously both a little crazy - but hey, that is what make people fun and likeable... (so long as the crazy doesn't become too overbearing).
    I won't tell you the very funniest blog post I ever read; suffice it to say, that it involved four people we both know (online at least) very well, plus a lot of bread. And Sugar. And a super hilarious FB conversation.
    But thank you for the best laugh I've had in a very long time.
    New Flat Stanley looks very fetching in his Zombie Guinea Pig outfit. Very good indeed.

    1. I think I know the blog post you mean - and I am very flattered to be anywhere near the hilarity of that one! Honestly, I live in some sort of constant world of Oddness, I don't have to *try* to make it funny.

  4. we were just watching dexter, and i made Husband press the pause mid-episode "dude! this reminds me... there's something REALLY important i need to to show you on the internet RIGHT NOW"

    now we're both crying. proper hysterical, like.

    1. Oh. Oh that gives me a warm feeling right *here*. Dexter pauseworthy, I'm humbled.

    2. and i don't know if this is flattering or creepy, but it went
      me: "you know Flat Stanley?"
      Husband: "lemur lady's hamster?" ...

    3. They've all got it infamy!

  5. When Bella-the-rabbit croaks it, I hope I can book you in for a session with her?

    That, taken out of context, could sound quite bad.

  6. Oh this is sooooo funny, not laughed so much in ages, you certainly have a way with words. I'm new to the Flat Stanley endeavours and the whole taxidermy thing, so I'm off to read more. Linda x (Also of The Crafty Network) I post depending which blog I'm logged into at the time, all very confusing, I know!

    1. Thanks for popping by and reading - glad my bizarre endeavours made you smile :)

  7. Oh I have just sat and read the escapades of Flat Stanley after originally coming just to see the monster badger! Thank you for multiple laughs. I need to go get a cuppa to recover now. BTW - surely Super Rat can't be to blame? He's far to cute!