Wednesday, 10 July 2013

In which Significant Otter and I try to sort out my exercise regime

Me: Now I'm working at home I'm not cycling to work anymore and it's making me fat and lazy. I think I might have to join a gym or something awful.

SO: What gym are you going to join?

Me: I have no idea. I don't even know where there are any. Or what happens at them. I thought of maybe doing 'spinning' lessons, but then I discovered that it's not just aeroplaning around a big room with your arms out until you fall over. It's just a fancy word for exercise bikes.

SO: And they stick your feet to the pedals so you can't stop.

Me: WHAT??? F**k that. That sounds awful. Plus I can't do classes. I'd have to speak to strangers - sweaty ones - and they might even want to have coffee afterwards or something and you know I'm not great at interacting with other people on my own and not freaking them out.

SO: True. What about jogging round the common?

Me: Jogging's boring. Plus I have bad knees. Probably.

SO: Cycle to Sainsbury's instead of taking the car?

Me: Are you kidding? There's a massive hill on the way back. It'd be knackering.

SO: So you wouldn't have to do it as often.

Me: Yeah, but every time I did do it I'd have to stop for a little cry at the top. And I could only carry, like, one apple back from the shop at a time. Not that I buy apples. But I would have to if I was fit.

SO: Swimming?

Me: I'm really bad at it. And people tut at you if you want to do widths because you get scared doing lengths when you get to the deep end and can't put your feet down. Plus I always want chips afterwards because swimming makes me really hungry. I think a gym might be the only way. Gym machines are kind of like computer games but with physical stuff, right? Like Wii Fit?

SO [losing the will to live]: Yes. Yes that's just what it's like. Shall we just get you Wii Fit?

Me: That is a brilliant idea. Except I can't do any of the really energetic stuff because we have downstairs neighbours.

SO: You could do them in the day while they're out.

Me: They're in all day. I know that now, because they keep saying hello to me in the garden. I can't go in the garden now in case I see them and I have to make small talk. I wait for them to go out before I go to put the laundry on the line.

SO: I think the exercise is the least of your problems.


  1. have you considered taking up smoking & vigorous ocd-housework?

    1. Ah, I do the higher-calorie variation of boozing and housework. That's where I'm going wrong.

    2. try some mind-athletics.
      earlier, i was outside having a ciggie, looking at a low wall and imagining dream-sequence version of myself was jumping upon it as if i was doing "steps".

      i was wearing sandals though. and there was moss.

    3. That must have been exhausting. I'm impressed.

  2. You can always watch videos of other people exercising and imagine you're among them. That should work (it's what I do anyway)

    1. Like the Olympics? I got SO much vicarious exercise last summer. It doesn't work so well with the Ashes though, cos even the athletes don't do much running about.

  3. My mum saved me a booklet out of her weekend paper. It's by some trendy exercise guru type lady. It's called "Walk Your Waist Off".
    I wondered if it had anything to do with "Laugh My A**Off"....
    Maybe you should try that? (whichever of the two appeals more)

  4. isn't it exercise when you push the sewing machine pedal with your foot, just like cycling if you want my opinion

    1. There MUST be some sort of Exercise for Sewists regime out there. Knitting's pretty good too, but only for your fingers I suppose.

    2. knitting AND sewing that's practically your whole body!

  5. I love your version of Spinning. You should start up your own class doing that!