Thursday, 23 May 2013


I'm not going to beat around the bush. Yesterday, the best headline in the history of the printed word burst forth onto the world. I give you:

BADGERGATE!!! (click for original - hilarious - article)
Now, already this is the most brilliant thing I've read in ages. But what makes it even more fantastic is that this is happening AT MY OLD SCHOOL.

Fame at last! I'm a bit jealous, if I'm honest; in my time there we had absolutely no giant wildlife scares. This is literally the most exciting thing to happen at that school since the whole Sixth Form got suspended in leavers week 1997 for drawing massive cocks on the school field with bleach.

Terrified schoolgirls are apparently being held hostage by this Godzilla of the badger world:

"On one occasion it was spotted underneath one of the mobile classrooms and the pupils were told to close the window and not to leave until it was safe."

 If they are the same mobiles that were there when I was, their flimsy walls will provide little protection against an attack-badger, especially this one who, we must presume, shares the size and bloodlust of a rabid grizzly bear on acid.
Angry badger. He will CUT you, yo.

This morning, it's gone viral. Even the Daily Mail is covering the story. I haven't actually read their take, for fear of catching Nazi, but I assume they are going with the angle that this is an immigrant gay badger intent on stealing our jobs and giving us all cancer. Who also killed Princess Di.

Sadly, I have it on good authority that this is not actually a hitherto undiscovered Giant Badger species, nor a mutant badger that has grown to the size of a small car after ingesting radioactive fish washed down the coast from Dungeness B power station. My sister is a pupil at the school (yes, I do feel old), and she reported first hand, with the practiced pragmatism of the 16 year old proto-goth:

We'd never need a DNA test to prove we were related...

 So it seems that it is, in fact, just a normal sized badger, but the average teenaged girl thinks that badgers should be the size of hamsters. I sympathise with the confusion, really, as for years I was convinced that puffins were at least as big as emperor penguins. I'm still slightly disappointed at how small they actually are.

This is clearly an ENORMOUS GIANT MAN. (photo from
The final line of the original article gives me hope, however, that Badgergate may yet take a dramatic turn. Check out how curt the school have been with their official statement.

"A spokesman for the Folkestone School for Girls said there was no problem with badgers at the school and that they had no comment to make."

Methinks they protest too much. It's a badger CONSPIRACY, people!


I don't have any badgers in my shop. But I do have foxes. See what I did there, woodland animal fans?

Click the picture to visit and buy my stuff. No angry badgers.


  1. Clearly it is a conspiracy...

    Love your sister's comment about it sounding like a zombie-pocalypse with all the squealing, when it rains at school - made me laugh.

    I know someone who's good at drawing badgers - esp. evil zombie apocalypse badgers with big teefs and evil leery faces. Perhaps we should send her to Folkestone Girls' School, to draw its portrait. After all, it's supposed to be good for artists to work from real life models...

    Do you suppose they will have to get the RSPCA in, to rescue the badger from all those squealing little girls? He must be so scared.

    1. I did think about including a picture of LBH's Angry Honey Badger as an artist's impression but then I thought people might think it was a honey badger and not a normal (giant) badger and I don't want to be inaccurate with my journalism of this important story.

  2. oh please...once i have cleared away the tears of lol from my eyes... please can i illustrate this? ... i am a dab hand on the bamboo paper app? seriously, i could make badgerzilla look stylin'

    1. Oh lawksy, PLEASE do! If you could make Badgerzilla terrorise a schoolgirl in a kilt (for that is the unfortunate uniform), then so much the better.

  3. Badgergate?! Zombies?! Badgerzilla????!!!! and a kilt. mmmmm