In which I knit my own yoghurt

When I was little my mum had a Bel Yoghurt maker. Once every six months or so this contraption would come out of the cupboard and it would be time for the trek to the health food shop to get a precious pot of live yoghurt as a starter. This was before bacteria was friendly, when 'live' yoghurt was the preserve of the hippies and spoon benders and would more often than not be made of goats milk.

What happened then is all a bit hazy. I seem to remember that she put the scary bacteria-infested yoghurt into the big white pot, added some milk (full fat was allowed in the house for only this purpose), and three weeks later I would be made to eat some revolting sour white goop that tasted nothing like Petit Filous. Child Poison.

Now that I am a grown up, I have forgiven natural yoghurt its sins and come to quite like it. I've also found out that the Bel Yoghurt maker was actually just a thermos flask with a thermometer hooked on the side.

So - my next project. I shall turn this unassuming pile of ingredients into a whole litre of delicious yoghurt. Yes, I know nobody needs a whole litre of yoghurt. But that's how much my thermos holds, so that's how much I'm getting.


What you put in

A litre (or so) of milk. I'm using half full fat and half skimmed, because that's what I have. Yes, our milk is in a jug. This is not because we are a family from a breakfast cereal advert, but because in an effort to be economical we use those 'Jug It' bags of milk from Sainsbury's, and the bloody things ALWAYS burst when we try to put them in the proper juggy thing. Anyway, that's a rant for another day.

A small pot of live yoghurt (you can get this in the supermarket now. I know, how progressive!)

A spoonful of powdered milk (this thickens it a bit, apparently)


What you do with it

Bring the milk to the boil. This evicts all the bad bacteria, making space for the good ones (or something)

Let it cool to 50C. You need a thermometer for this, ideally. I don't have one but have just remembered that there's one in the fish tank. Hmmm....

Add about a dessertspoonful of the live yoghurt to the milk and mix it in, trying not to lose too much heat.

Pour the lot into a wide-necked thermos and put in a warm place overnight.

Skip gaily down the stairs to the kitchen for breakfast, secure in the knowledge that the dairy alchemy has worked and you have outwitted the supermarkets yet again.

Pretend you like it because it's healthy. Then mix in loads of Nutella when nobody's looking.

Now, I've never done this before, but yoghurt is just gone-off milk with style, surely?

How hard can it be?

Off to make it now. I shall report back tomorrow....

Cheat's Ice Cream

First off - a disclaimer: This is not a how-to blog. I really don't know enough about anything to even pretend that anyone can read this and learn how to cook or sew or knit the Taj Mahal out of tofu. But where I can I will try to include the instructions and recipes I use just so that you can see how very very easy it all is.

I'm not organic, or GM free, vegan, freegan, vogon or vulcan. When cooking, my agenda is to make tasty stuff, as easily - and often as cheaply - as possible. If I can do it, anyone can.

Most of what I do comes from the interwebs - recipes, discussion forums etc - so it seems only fair that I should post the results back through the internet pipes.

Yesterday's Blackberry Ripple No Churn Cheaty Cheat Cheats Ice Cream is a pretty good example to start with.

What you put in:

1 big pot double cream (500ml? 568ml? Whatever the big ones are)

1 tin condensed milk (yup, this is aaall class)

2 tsps vanilla extract

A handful of blackberries (I've still got a big bag of frozen ones I picked last autumn; how Tom and Barbara is that?)

Three or four big spoons of golden caster sugar

A slug of Creme de Cassis (optional, but who doesn't have Cassis? Nobody I know, that's for sure)

What you do with it:

Stick the blackberries in a small pan along with the sugar, cassis, and a drop of water just to help it cook down. Bring to the boil, then simmer away for 3 or 4 minutes or until you get bored. It should go to a squishy, jammy sort of syrup.

Allow the syrup and fruit to cool, then whizz it up with a blender. Squish it all through a sieve to get rid of the pips.

Restrain yourself from eating all the fruity sugary goodness and put it in the fridge out of harm's way.

Whisk up the cream until it forms 'soft peaks'. I define this as that moment just after you have given up all hope of it ever thickening at all but just before the ohmygodivecreatedanabomination moment when it goes solid.

Chuck in the condensed milk and vanilla extract and whisk till the whole lot forms those soft peaks again. Get someone else to throw away the condensed milk tin while you are whisking so that you don't become distracted by trying to lick it.

Pour the whole billowing loveliness into an ice cream tub. Drizzle over the fruity goo and use a spatula or knife to swirl it through. Freeze overnight.

What you get out

Oh dear God. This stuff is brilliant. Ice cream purists will throw a blue fit at this sweet, Mr-Whippy style concoction but if you've got a sweet tooth and no concerns about eating 1200 calories per teaspoon, this is for you. It is EPIC. Do note though that this type of ice cream melts much quicker than the proper stuff, so don't take it out of the freezer until just before you need it.